I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Sober January is a disaster.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
