Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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