My Higher Power is John Stamos
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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