im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
