If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
