I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
