my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
