I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
