mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Randomize
