my phone needs a breathalizer
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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