remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
