carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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