I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
