How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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