That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
