White coat. Heels.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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