Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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