I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
