rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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