my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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