I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
