i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
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