I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.