You don't have asthma, your pregnant
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
We're not piercing ourselves today.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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