I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
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It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
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You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.