I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
