I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
