True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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