If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
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We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
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Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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