My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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