if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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