I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
