On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
