woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
