What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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