i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
so let's talk penis.
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So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
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So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.