Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
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for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
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It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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