Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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