I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
