He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
