just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Randomize
