There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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