he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
