yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
