nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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