I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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