I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
