Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
