Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
