i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize