the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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