; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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