i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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