Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize