I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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