Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
