I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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