Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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