I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
