I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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