Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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