i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
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If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
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"I licked someones beard, because I can."
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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